Monday, January 12, 2009

What to feel, What to feel

I have an interview!!
I began this job search about a month and a half ago and here I am with my first interview. I am quite excited by this fact. More excited then I might have expected and here is why. In these past weeks I have gone through a whole range of emotions. Unfortunately for me, the predominant emotion involved in this job search has been guilt.

Guilt has been the overriding feeling because I fear what other people must think of me as the new wife with no job. For that matter, what do I think of myself? Who do I think I am? This lazy mooch sits on the couch and eats bon bons while watching soaps and her husband slaves away making a living. This is not true of course, I have been trying to make myself useful by making three meals a day for us and doing the general cleaning, all the while spending a couple hours a day on the job hunt. But then I realized that the guilt isn't completely because I don't have a job. I think that I feel guilty for kind of enjoying not having a job... That in turn makes me feel ashamed which guilt and shame combined can bring you pretty low.

But let's throw in feeling a little lost as well! I realized recently that for four years I was defined by my job. It was who I was in every way I could mean that. I was on call 24/7 so every time my phone rang I got a little crawly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I worked nearly every single weekend, feeling like I was not doing a good job if I arranged to have a weekend off to go away. Every time I did go away it was for a reason such as a friends wedding or to see a dear grandmother. I don't know of any time during my last job that I went away with my husband just for the sake of getting away. Don't get me wrong, I was and am very happy. But now that I am not defined by this any longer, it has left me feeling strange and volatile.

THUS, I am excited to have an interview. It may not be for my ideal job, but either way it makes me feel productive, gives me practice in an interview situation, and gives me something to tell people. Wish me luck!

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